the would-be writers guild

1. I suppose we should start with the toenail fungus, right? In addition to not-so-cute, some consider it downright repulsive.

2. I am not a cute crier. Picture red, splotchy skin, bulging eyes, drippy nose, and a high-pitched squeal of a voice. So blechty.

3. I think I’m pretty hard to offend, but if I am, I too often hold on to the grudge. Not a good quality.

4. I growl when I’m upset or frustrated (particularly while picking up the house for the umpteenth time). I can’t help it; I inherited this trait from my mother.

5. Two words: stretch marks.

6. I am constantly cleaning out my ears. With my fingers. The best place to do this is at a stoplight.

7. I am not very detail oriented. I like to rush through to the finish line, cutting corners all along the way. Instruction manuals? Boring! Important steps? Whatev!

8. I am a hypocrite. Even though Oprah drives me nuts and I balk at the way she acts like a psychologist and parenting expert and occasionally a prophetess, I still enjoy watching her show sometimes. And I’ll be damned if I don’t get fantastically excited about her Favorite Things episode.

9. I can waste time like nobody’s business. If I have 10 things to do in one day, I will be amazingly efficient. If I have one thing to do, it will take me all day. Sometimes I’d like to wring my own neck.

10. I have a messy car. It is messier in the winter because nothing sounds more torturous than digging my way out of the stale french fries and random papers in frigid temperatures.

(Thanks, Andrea, for the tag!) Please feel free to play along in the comments or on your own blog!

*The other day at dinner, Christian complained, “Man! Ketchup bottles are such a pain! You squeeze them just a little bit and the ketchup shoots out so fast.” Ryan and I looked at each other in awe as we both relived a thousand fist-pounding-against-sticky-glass-bottle scenes in our heads. Ketchup coming out too fast? As an American, I’m taking this as a good sign. If we can come this far with ketchup bottles, just think what we can do with the economy!

*Speaking of ketchup, I eat a lot of bean burritos.

*Bean burritos are recommended by the American Heart Association, the American Cancer Society, the National Junior League, and four out of five dentists.

*My electric hand-mixer, a present from our wedding, finally bit the dust last week. One of the rusted beaters broke and the motor groaned in agony during each use.

*Until right this second, I hadn’t thought about all the rust that we’ve probably eaten over the last twelve years.

*I know that I said the secret to my cookies was Butter Flavored Crisco, but it’s probably actually rust instead.

*Rust is recommended by the National Labor Union, the National Public Library Guild, and the American Honkey Tonk Bar Association.

*There is one word that can trigger my gag reflex instantaneously and that word is TAXES.

*Before I started taking toenail fungus medication, I never stopped to think about what it would mean to my identity to not have a toenail fungus. I’m currently looking for a support group.

*The other day Ryan and I were craving Taco Bell. I bet it’s been at least a year since Taco Bell has touched our lips. We all loaded in the car and drove over to the local KFC/Taco Bell (whose business plan was that, anyway?) and walked up to the counter. Before we said a word, the cashier said, “We only have KFC today. Our Taco Bell stuff isn’t working.” We walked out with heads hanging, got into the car and drove over to McDonald’s instead. Unfortunately, when we reached the McDonald’s it had been knocked down. Talk about bad luck.

*The next day, still craving Taco Bell, we decided to head back for a second try. I looked up the number for the local KFC/Taco Bell and called them. They said, “Thank you for calling KFC/Taco Bell.” I said, “Are you serving Taco Bell today?” They said, “Yes, we are serving Taco Bell today.” Nachos and tacos were had and there was much rejoicing.

*Two days later, we ate there again. Again, there was much rejoicing.

*Taco Bell is recommended by the National Food and Drug Administration, the American Lung Association, and Dr. Scholls.

*Happy St. Patrick’s Day! May you find many rainbows and much luck!

When we took our arctic trip to Florida a couple of weeks ago, we made arrangements for a house/dogsitter to care for Lucy and to make sure our DVR didn’t miss any episodes of Spongebob. When I told them about it, Christian and Max were very hesitant about this arrangement. They wanted to know the dogsitter’s credentials and asked for a list of personal and professional references. I spent several minutes trying to convince them that Lucy would not starve to death, run away, or be sold on the miniature Dachsund black market while we were away. They were not convinced.

The morning before we left, Max appeared at my side with a paper and pen. “I need to make a list of things to tell Lucy’s babysitter.” He spent several minutes numbering (in bubble numbers, no less) his paper from 1-14 and then added number 100 just for good measure. He then asked me to be his scribe for his very detailed instructions as shown here.

Just in case you can’t read the shrunken version I scanned in, here is the list exactly as dictated by Max:

1. Feed her water and dog food.
2. Play with her.
3. Snuggle with her.
4. Let her go potty.
(Number 5 is hard to write in bubble form, so please excuse the two “Oops” versions.)
5. Watch a show with her.
6. Pat her.
7. Play a game with her.
8. Pretend she’s on a race car.
9. Brush her teeth.
10. Draw something with her.
11. Activities.
12. Play ball with her.
13. You shouldn’t give her people food.
14. Pretend she’s on a jet.
100. Read a storybook to her.

Yes, that should cover it. Don’t you think?

The problem is this—we both have good driving records.

Driving down the road the other day—Ryan at the wheel, me in the passenger seat, kids in the back—I was looking ahead down the long and winding country road and noticed that the two cars in front of us were braking and slowing down. Now, I am the kind of driver who, upon seeing the brake lights of the car in front of me, feels like my own brakes should be applied soon thereafter. It’s sort of a Follow the Leader driving game, if you will.

My husband, on the other hand, seems to think that brakes should be applied only when absolutely necessary and not a second before that. Sort of a Switch Over to the Right Lane, Moron! driving game, if you will.

Anyway, back to the scene: The cars in front of us were braking and slowing on this winding one-lane country road and as I pushed my right foot down on the the imaginary brake in the passenger’s seat, I glanced over at Ryan to see if he was preparing to brake. He was looking out the side window at a cow.

So, I performed my passenger responsibilities dutifully by flailing my left arm into his chest rapidly and screaming, “HONEY! HONEY! LOOK OOOOOOOUT!”

It was an effective maneuver on my part because the brakes were applied right away. And Ryan, who’s blood pressure catapulted to the high 200s, looked frantically about for the cause of my scream and said, “What?! What?!” Did a child dart out in the road? A dog? An elderly person? Was there a meteor falling from the sky? Did we miss a sign offering free ice cream?

Horrified and gasping for breath because of our near-miss, I pointed at the green car ahead of us, who had let off the brakes and was making its way along the road.

“You were inches away from them,” I cried.

“I was zip codes away from them,” he cried.

We spent the next several minutes shouting at each other while our kids giggled in the back seat. Apparently, we are hilarious when we fight.

He seems to think that I should stop shouting perilous warnings or bracing for impact unless we are, in fact, going to have a collision. Because, as he brought up, I sort of have a tendency to do this with somewhat regular frequency. He used a term like “all the time” but I’d like to point out that I did not scream or shriek once on that one Wednesday last month when we were driving.

I took a few moments to shout about how I only scream and gasp and shriek when I feel that it is absolutely necessary to save my life and the lives of my loved ones. I pointed out that while I was checking to see if we were an appropriate distance from the car in front of us, he was checking to see if there were any more cows!

And as both of our blood pressures began to fall back to their normal levels, we started to giggle a little.

“You gotta admit,” I said, “it’s kind of endearing how I do that.”

“No. No, it’s not;” he said, “it’s annoying.”

“You say tomato, I say to-mah-to.”

“I say annoying.”

…that the sight of these tiny pink feet should make me feel so utterly, hopelessly, bowling-ball-in-the-stomach homesick for Utah today?

Welcome to the world, Oliver. I love you already.

Love, Aunt Tiff

{Sigh. Sniff. Gulp.}

Behind the Scenes Fun Facts: I thought doing a video would be easier than taking and organizing a bunch of pictures to show you the intensely specific process of zhuzhing. I failed to think all the way through that idea, especially the part about me having to be IN the video. I all-caps CANNOT stand the sound of my own voice. I also failed to think about some pragmatic problems, like the lack of a camera man, hair stylist, makeup artist, airbrush artist, personal trainer, and dialect coach. I ended up recording this from my laptop, set atop a couple of empty FedEx boxes. Before recording, I forgot to do a screen test to see how my hair and clothes look on camera. (Bad.) I also forgot to lose fifteen pounds. (Oops.)

One more note: When I talk about making your own refried beans, I meant to say that you cook a couple of cans of PINTO BEANS in the crock pot all day, not refried beans. Why would you make refried beans with refried beans? You wouldn’t.

OK. Have I provided enough apologies and qualifications for this post? I have? Good.

Go forth and ZHUZH!

Through an incredibly scientific method (asking Ryan to pick two random numbers) I have come up with winners from the Ten Things Under $10 giveaway. Congratulations to Lacey Jane and Heidi B.!

Ladies, please email me at tiffany{at}wouldbewritersguild{dot}com with your mailing address and I’ll get your prizes shipped out speedily!

Thanks to all who entered. I’d love to see your own lists of ten things under $10 you couldn’t live without!

Thanks for participating in my little adventure over the last several days. I hope that you’ve been happy with your choices; and if you weren’t, I hope that you’ve learned some important lessons about consequences. This blog is all about teaching important life lessons. After all, somebody had to fill the void when Full House went off the air.

Speaking of life lessons, an important one is the Theory of Second Chances. Even when you’ve screwed up royally, life and the people you love often provide you with second chances. Just look at Kathy Lee Gifford. Or don’t, actually.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is this—I’m offering you a second chance. Go ahead, DJ, choose any one of the un-picked blog posts for our final adventure. I know you can’t believe it, but this is for real.

Oh The Things You Can Zhuzh: A Video Tutorial

~OR~

Dr. Phil Has Nothing to Say to Me: 5 Things I Do to Stay Mentally Healthy

~OR~

What Happened in Vegas Stays in My Closet

~OR~

Toenail Fungus Update

~OR~

East Coast vs. West Coast: The Smackdown

And remember—the next time you and Kimmy Gibler decide to ditch school and go to the movies, I’d like you to invite me and Uncle Jesse to come too. But not Uncle Joey; he can stay home and watch Michelle and Steph. Okay? OK. Let’s hug.

{P.S. There’s still time to enter the Ten Things Under $10 giveaway! Pick your favorite here.}

Cue the music, the glittery curtains, and the canned applause. Here are the ten things under $10 I simply couldn’t live without:

1. Starbucks Vanilla Bean Creme Frappaccino

Did you know that Starbucks has also figured out a way to gain the undying loyalty of the non-coffee-drinking population? This icy, creamy, vanilla bean-y wonder was first introduced to us by Ryan’s brother Val a few years ago. I believe he called Ryan’s cell phone and asked if we were going to be home for a while, because he was headed over with something that was “going to change our lives.” What, you don’t believe me? I guess you haven’t had one yet.
Price: About $3 for a small, er, a Tall at Starbucks.

2. Mission Carb Balance Tortillas

These delicious-if-you-haven’t-had-regular-tortillas-lately tortillas have 110 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, and ELEVEN grams of fiber! This means that if you are a Weight Watcher (as I try to be), these calculate to ZERO POINTS! My sister-in-law Alison, who works for Weight Watchers, assures me that this calculation is false, that they are technically one point, and that my belief that I can eat an entire package of them in one sitting without having to count anything is deeply flawed. I don’t care.
Price: About three or four dollars per package at the grocery store.

3. Mrs. Meyer’s Lemon Verbena Counter Top Spray

I have been going steady with this product for five years at least. It smells incredible, makes your counter tops shiny, and adds just a little zing when spritzed into a Diet Coke. Not that I’ve tried. Plus, it’s eco-friendly. The other products in the line are amazing, but this was my first true love. Shop the entire line online here.
Price: $3.99 per bottle available online or in select stores. (I recently found it at a nearby Target.)

4. Good Bar Soap

I am a huge fan of nice bar soaps. They are made with good ingredients that are nice to your skin, they smell divine, and they last longer than your boxed grocery store stuff. It feels like a little bit of luxury in the morning, which makes for a nice way to start the day. I love the line at my favorite Salt Lake shop Hip & Humble (as shown), but you can find a good bar in a lot of places, including stores like TJ Maxx, Ross, and Marshalls.
Price: Around $5 per bar, although the ones at Hip & Humble are $7.75 per bar.

5. WD-40 and Duct Tape


I was talking to my parents on the phone last night and my dad said he was interested to see which things I might show here. My mom interjected that they would probably all be feminine things and suggested that he not get too excited. So, in order to pay homage to my male readership, I am including this priceless duo of fix-everything-ness. Yes, these two inexpensive products can be used to fix what’s broken, plug what’s leaking, unstick what’s stuck, secure what’s loose, silence what’s squeaking, and confine/contain small children for responsible periods of time.
Price: Less than $10 for the pair at Home Depot and other fine, manly places of business.

6. L’Oreal Sublime Bronze

I’ve tried many and I like this best. Plus, it has a little shimmer in it, which looks especially nice on Ryan’s legs when he uses it.
Price: About $7 at the grocery store, drugstore, or Target.

7. Multi-colored Ultra Fine Point Sharpies

Good golly, just the image of this fresh package of beautiful, colorful Sharpies makes me feel all giddy inside! I mean, just look at them! Think of the things that you could mark permanently with them! Think of how nice they would look in a pencil holder on your desk! These markers demand the use of exclamation points! Oh my gosh, I love these markers so much, I’m goING TO START TYPING IN ALL CAPS! YIPPPEEEEEEE! IF I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD, I SWEAR I WILL NAME IT SHARPIE!
Price: About $8 for this soul-completing set at various retail locations.

8. Butter Flavor Crisco

Get this—my neighbors think I’m a good baker. Isn’t that hilarious? You see, I’ve had a long and tumultuous relationship with making cookies. My cookies for the last ten years have been sorry disappointments that even most dogs wouldn’t eat. A few weeks before I moved away, I begged my friend Christy (hi, Christy!) to share the secrets of her amazing, perfect cookies. Her biggest secret is the use of this fine, man-made substance. Truly, it makes all the difference. Plus, if you ever run out of WD-40 and you’re in a pinch, you can probably use this stuff!
Price: About $5 for a big ol’ tub at the grocery store.

8. iTunes

I didn’t comprehend the magnificence of iTunes when I first downloaded it a few years ago. I guess I just really enjoyed browsing CDs in the store, overpaying for them, wrestling to open their seven layers of plastic and stickers, finding places to store all the cracked cases, and skipping over four of the eleven songs I didn’t really like. Eventually, however, I caught on to the magic of previewing songs and purchasing only the ones I like. Plus, iTunes gives me a free song every week, just for being alive! And I don’t even have to remember to download it on Tuesday anymore!
Price: Ninety-nine cents per song, and usually about $9.99 per album.

9. Small Accent Lamps

I really love lamplight, as evidenced by the thirteen billion lamps in our house. But of all of the lamps, I have a secret crush on the little ones that I’ve put on my kitchen counters. They are a little splash of interest and color and they make a nice night-light when raiding the fridge at two in the morning. You can find them lots of places, including TJ Maxx, Ross, Marshalls, Target, Wal-Mart and other fine retail establishments.
Price: About $10

10. Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg

I’m one of those people who truly believes that everybody can write. Can everybody be a bestselling novelist? Well, no, but does everybody want to? No! I have read this book, re-read this book, spilled chocolate on this book, and kept it near me for seven or eight of the last fourteen years I’ve owned it. I have used it for more than six years as a teaching tool to groups of would-be writers like myself. It’s about writing and it’s about living and it’s about giving yourself permission to open up and let your voice be heard. I. love. this. book. Even more than Sharpies. For reals.
Price: Technically this doesn’t belong on the list, because it retails for more than ten dollars, but you can easily find a used copy online for less than ten. Start looking here if you like.

BONUS: How about a little giveaway? Leave a comment about which ONE (dude, we’re in a recession!) of these things you would like to start loving too, and I’ll randomly pick two winners on Monday! If you choose Starbucks or iTunes, I’ll send you a gift card.

I’ve been sort of nauseated all day after writing that last post. Before you start tasting sympathy bile, let’s move on to something else, shall we? And remember—you can’t complain unless you vote! One of these fine features could be your reading material tomorrow if you leave your vote in a comment:

East Coast vs. West Coast: The Smackdown

~OR~

Ten Things Under $10 I Couldn’t Live Without