I am headed to Maverik to buy a cup of gasoline.

To drink.

To get this abhorrent taste out of my mouth.

• A german pancake.  I still have the recipe from my sister’s 7th grade “homeck” class.
• Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, probably Pistacio, Pistacio flavor
• An Arctic Circle cheeseburger, fries, and fry sauce
• A pound of Swedish Fish
• A handful of Oreos
• Pizza with cheese on top
• A royale cookie from the Nordstrom cafe
• Max’s cheeks
• A vat of guacamole
• All things fondue
• Sweet and sour chicken, Garth’s recipe
• A strawberry chocolate shake from Iceberg
• Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory, any flavor
• Another cheeseburger, fry, and fry sauce from Arctic Circle
• An entire key lime pie
• Prime Rib
• A crisp chicken taco from Taco Time
• The ‘Chocolate Bomb’ from Skybox
• Surf & Turf from Happy Sumo
• A fresh tub of Crisco.

“OH MY GOSH, oh my gosh!  These don’t even look like you!  May I say, you have both improved a lot!”

Even if you’re thinking it, is this what you really say?

Katie, do you think we really watch you because of your stellar news reporting?  We watch because we’re waiting for Matt to leave his wife already and sweep you off your cute little Katie Choo pumps!  (Or at least take you on as a polygamous wife.)  You’re America’s first family mother-figure, for crying out loud!  You think you can just ditch us after 15 measely years?  Did I ditch you, Katie?  Even when you had that hideous haircut in the early nineties? 

No, Katie, I’m still here.  Well, at least when I’m home sick or on vacation.  And happen to remember to turn the TV to your channel.  Actually, I haven’t watched you regularly since sometime in 1999.  Come to think of it, I’m really not that vested in where you end up.  You know what, Katie?  Go where the wind and the $15 million take you.  It makes no difference to me whatsoever.  Except for when I’m sick or on vacation, in which cases, I will just have to console myself with extra doses of Elmo and Judge Judy…

• Let’s start with my mom, who is one of my favorite people and a pure saint.  She has given up much of her week to help take care of Max and the condition I will not speak of in this post.
• Mrs. Meyers Lemon Verbena All-Purpose Cleanser, which is the cleanser that makes all the other cleansers feel bad about their decision to become cleansers.
• Laughing Cow cheese wedges and Wheat Thins, which are the world’s best snack.  Actually, if you have some of Alicia’s mom’s homemade raspberry jam to put on top of them, that is the world’s best snack.
• The Office, The Office, I love ya, The Office, you’re only a daaaayyy aaaaa–waaaaaaayyyyyyy.  (I know, wrong musical.)
• Email.  I really, really, really love email.  Getting it.  Reading it.  Sending it.  I really do.
• I have a yummy Votivo candle called “Crisp Clean White” that makes me happy every time I smell its waft.  I bet you didn’t know they could capture what crisp, clean, white smells like, but they can.  They can and they did.  http://www.crestdales.com/votivo-clean-crisp-white-candle.html
• A nice, simple, black BIC pen.  Love it.
• If we’re going to start with my mom, we’re going to end with Ryan, Christian, and Max, my top three favorite roommates of all time.  Except when they have the stomach flu.

If I have time, I’m going to set this entry to music and send it to the Hale Center Theatre.  I bet they’d be all over it.

Let’s take a moment to reflect on the many wonnerful (official Mormon term) memories we have of this wonnerful player and citizen:

• The many looks of Karl Malone–hairy, bald, mustache, goatee, cowboy hat, wranglers, Lakers jersey…
• I know that I always looked forward to the annual Karl Malone vs. Larry Miller fights in which Larry would eventually end up on the 10 o’clock news getting choked up and blubber about how he loves Karl like a son.  (A son you would beat with a rubber hose if he wasn’t 7 feet tall.) 
• Karl Malone was the first non-psychotic person I know of who frequently spoke about himself in the third person.  This was helpful to so many of us who get confused when people say, “I like basketball,” and we’re not exactly sure who they are referring to.  With Karl Malone, everything about Karl Malone and Karl Malone’s life and Karl Malone’s philosophy were crystal clear. 
• Remember when he was really close to joining the church?  You don’t?  Oh come on, it was right around the same time that Steve Martin did.  I hear he still wears a CTR ring.  (Karl Malone, not Steve Martin.  See how confusing that can get?)
• We used to take an occasional Sunday drive to his house up above the old Salt Lake City cemetary.  “See kids?  Behind that gate lives a very rich and powerful man,” we would say.  “Wow, I bet he is really smart,” they would say.  “I thought we told you never to bet,” we would say.
• Remember how he used to drive around that giant semi truck? 
• Remember how he always handled everything with grace and eloquence?  Oh wait, that was Stockton.

Well, that was fun.  No, wait, it was WONNERFUL.

If you want to. 

If you remember. 

If you have anything green.  

I think some people get drunk, but I don’t actually know any of those people.

(Hold your hands up and wiggle your fingers as you slowly bring them down.  This will help create the right effect.  You could also make some harp noises……Okay, that’s good.)

Welcome to your new computer!

Computers in this realm work on a “close enough” mentality. Say, for example, your password is “January1985″, but you type, “cold weather a long time ago”, your computer will give you this message:

There is no ‘buyer’s remorse’ in this universe, because of this little button here:

Computers have a sense of humor:

Spellcheck isn’t so arrogant:

And, randomly, this message appears on your screen:

I hope you enjoyed our little trip. I’m sure you’re very busy, and need to get back home. This button will take you right back:

2. Reboot computer.  (This should kill about 6 or 7 minutes.)

3. Think about what to have for lunch.

4. Make a list of things you might want to have for lunch.

5. Narrow lunch list down to 7. 

6. Alphabetize lunch list.

7. Cross off the two most fattening options.  (Who needs guilt on a Friday?)

8. Cross off the two healthiest options. (Who needs discipline on a Friday?)

9. Write your three remaining options on separate post-it notes and place them side-by-side on the wall furthest from your chair.

10. Gather small items at your desk (paper clips, pens, bottles of lotion, pictures of your family) and toss them at the three post-it notes on the wall.  The first option to be hit 25 times has now been eliminated.  

11.  Remove eliminated post-it note and begin instruction #10 again, in order to eliminate another choice.

12.  Pick up small objects off the floor.

13.  Order lunch.

14.  Eat lunch.

15.  Think about what you’d like for a snack.

Okay, I got you through half your day and now I’m completely exhausted.  If you want the other half shortened, you are going to have to do it yourself.  I’m not your mother.