Today I am working in a store with a glass front.  It is a very slow day, and on these slow days I often spend hours gazing out the glass at the steady stream of cars passing by.  The reason for this is two-fold, but that really doesn’t pertain to the question to be asked, and as reluctant as I am to admit this, it isn’t always about me, so we will pleasantly place my motivations aside and focus on the bizarre behaviors of others.  Twice this morning I have witnessed deep-digging nose-picking by drivers passing my store.  It is important to reiterate here that the traffic is a steady stream-which would indicate that other drivers are also witnessing this nasal probing as well.  I think it’s pretty obvious what my question is:  if these people can’t find a tissue to pick their noses with where the heck are they putting the fruits of their labors?????? 

Seriously curious,

Discrete Groomer

Dear Discrete Groomer,

I will answer your perplexing question with a riddle:

What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Answer: Some people won’t eat broccoli.

For better or worse, you have been witness to one of the most amazing phenomenons–humans who believe they are invisible because they are enclosed in a car.  The anonymity of being one of many cars on the road allows the driver to expose inner yearnings, normally kept latent by things like good manners and a respect for other people’s susceptibility to nausea.  Yearnings such as singing with passion, cutting people off on the way to church, using words they can’t even say on HBO, giving the middle finger its moment in the spotlight, and finally, nose-picking.

For you, I would recommend two things: First, pop some popcorn and enjoy the show.  Second, when buying a used car, take a flashlight and thoroughly inspect the underside of the driver seat.

Best wishes,

PW

I’m currently experiencing problems with ants in my bathroom. I’m not quite sure how to reason with them and help them see it is not the best place for them to settle. Several times I’ve tried to explain that there is a horrible ant killing device that will terminate them, “Don’t MAKE me get the ant spray.” Yet, it falls on deaf ears. They’ve refused to budge making it almost impossible for a compromise. I can’t stand killing Gods creatures, (Except for spiders. The devil made them to torment us.) and I’m looking for a peaceful solution to this stand off. What suggestions do you have that could facilitate harmony in my home, and more specifically my bathroom?

Sincerely,

 Pestered in the Potty

Dear Pestered in the Potty,

Since you are unwilling to dispose of the ants (and there are so many fun ways to go about it, such as blow torches and magnifying glasses), there is clearly only one solution to your problem: You must think like an ant.  You must carry around things that are 300 times your weight, such as your car or couch (if it has a hide-a-bed).  You must attend picnics and eat the discarded food off of other’s plates.  You must avoid rain.  Until you really get inside an ant’s head and walk a mile in his shoes (which is about 4.3 inches in ant measurement), you will never be able to come to a mutual understanding.  It’s all about empathy, Pestered, and until you get some, you are nothing more than a bumbling giant with great taste in shoes.

Yours truly,

Psychologist’s Wife