Several days ago, when The Visitors were still in town and we were wandering around Philadelphia, Max told me he needed to use the restroom. Actually, he wasn’t so tactful. He said, “I need to go poo!” It was said with a certain amount of urgency, so I left the group at the Liberty Bell and walked across the courtyard to the public restroom with him hopping along beside.
After locking ourselves in the private family restroom (those are my all-caps FAVORITE), Max plopped himself on the pot and within a few seconds it was clear—what he was working on was no ordinary poop.
How do I put this delicately? It was a…….personal struggle, if you will, a test of determination and endurance. We’ve all been there, right?
He was in labor for several minutes. I helped him with breathing exercises. I helped him focus when he wanted to give up. Eventually the hard work paid off with a simple splash in the water below. After taking care of business with the toilet paper, Max hopped off to pull up his pants and I ever-so-helpfully flushed the toilet.
Max flipped around with a look of surprise.
“You flushed it?” he cried.
“Yeah,” I said with a shrug, “sorry. I didn’t know you wanted to flush.”
He peered down the porcelain bowl, deep into the tunnel, hoping to catch a glimpse of what he surely believed to be a ten-pound boulder. Suddenly I understood.
“Did you see it?” he asked.
“Yep.”
“Was it BIG? And SPIKEY?”
Make that a ten-pound jagged boulder. The truth was irrelevant at this point. Why not help him develop a strong sense of personal accomplishment?
“Yes. Definitely.”
“Was it big like this?” He made a six-inch measurement with his hands, “Or like THIS?” His arms stretched out at their full span.
I nodded. “It was huge, Max. HUGE.”
“I thought so.”
We washed our hands, put his coat back on, and walked hand-in-hand back to the group as we discussed the benefits of fruits, vegetables, and dietary fiber as part of a healthy lifestyle.
OMG. I’m about to pee my pants from laughing so hard!
this is one of my favorite stories!
I love you! No one else can write about poop so effectively and humorously!
I love Max, too!
Ditto.
I’m giving you an e-high five for that one! I’m always game for a good poo story.
HILARIOUS!! Probably TMI on my part, but since we’re sharing, when I was in 2nd grade I asked my older sister if she’d ever had peanutty poo (or spikey, if you’re Max). Yup, we’ve all been there.
The story is funny regardless, but your writing makes it a classic! Have I told you lately that I love reading your blog? LOVE IT!
I don’t know who I love more right now…
You for writing that or Max for living it.
Well done!
This is probably too personal a story to share over the internet, so without further ado…
I got e-coli in India. And it gave me serious digestive issues. After a week of puking my guts out and the ring of fire, I had a 13 hour bus ride ahead of me. Out of fear, I took a mega-immodium. Let just say that SIX DAYS LATER, I really felt like i had a good understanding of what giving birth would be like.
Yes, Max. We’ve all been there.
It is experiences like these that make it exciting to be a mother. Jackie is my pooping buddy!
Oh how funny! I’ve been very sick all week and trying to be in a good mood – that takes the cake! Bless your heart! Merry Christmas!
I really feel for Max, and I can certainly sympathize with him. Great story.