I’d like to start this post with an exercise, okay? Because this post is (drum roll, please) INTERACTIVE! (Confetti, please.)
You’ll need two pieces of paper and two pens, one red and one black. On the first paper, draw a series of intersecting lines with the black pen. Lots of them. Like, a lot a lot. Make sure none of them are straight. Now please take the second piece of paper and the red pen and scribble one continuous line all over it. Really go to town, okay? Zig-zags and spirals are encouraged. (If you would like to relegate this task to a nearby toddler, that’s fine. Although you will miss out on some of the exciting INTERACTIVENESS.) Alright, set the papers down and wait for further instruction. Good job, by the way, those really look swell.
Now to the narrative part of the post…
Today I sent Max on the bus and drove over to the local Marriott to pick up the wife of one of Ryan’s best friends and grad school classmates who is interviewing for a position out here. While Ryan and his friend spent the day in meetings and interviews, my assignment was to show the wife, we’ll call her Kim, around the area to assure her that there are grocery stores and malls and Targets and stuff out here. Which, you know, sounds pretty simple, right?
Wrong.
Why?
Time to get INTERACTIVE!
Please pull out the first paper with the black intersecting lines and look it over carefully. What you are looking at is an exact map of the area where we live. And it doesn’t really matter which way you hold it because north, east, south, and west do not exist here. Well, I guess technically they exist but you wouldn’t know it.
This illustration should illustrate why I don’t really know the best way to navigate the area, right? (And by “navigate the area” I mean “find my way across the street.”)
Usually this isn’t an issue because:
1) I have a GPS.
2) When Ryan and I are together, he drives while I pluck my eyebrows.
However, this actually IS an issue because:
1) My particular GPS was not developed by someone who believed creating software that was deliberate, efficient, or deliberate. Or efficient.
2) My particular GPS was developed by someone who believed in taking the scenic route. Or the stupid route. Or, occasionally, the wrong route.
Anyway, back to the story and the upcoming INTERACTION! I picked Kim up from the hotel at 1:00 and suggested we go to lunch at a nearby Mexican restaurant, only 3.2 miles away.
Okay, it’s time for more INTERACTIVITY!
Please place the second, red-penned piece of paper on top of the first paper and hold both papers up against a light so that you can see the map beneath. The red line represents my exact path from the hotel to the restaurant.
I drove over 126 miles, took seven different freeways and state roads, and had to fill my tank three times before finally reaching the restaurant a little after 2:00. I swear it was all the GPS’s fault. In fact, I swore it several times.
But being the good person that I am, I apologized to Kim over and over, taking accountability for the situation since the GPS refused to. Eventually I convinced her that she was not being held hostage and that I had not used any illegal drugs before getting behind the wheel.
Lunch was really nice. I was able to locate the salt and the restroom with incredible accuracy.
After lunch I performed my other tasks with much less drama. We visited a local mall, and I showed her several grocery stores, two Targets, a Costco and an Arby’s. Of course they were all in Florida, but Kim never needs to know.
Please take your two sheets of paper and dispose of them in a recycling bin because this post is INTERACTIVE and ENVIRONMENTALLY RESPONSIBLE!
I’m sorry, because I know that that had to be frustrating, and a little embarrassing. But thank you for the laugh!
You have a way of making ANYTHING funny!
I get it. Every time we pull into your neighborhood, I expect your house to be on the opposite side of the road for no rational reason. You live in a twisty, windy, beautiful, tree-lined area. Getting lost is one of the consequences.
You are my hero.
For real.
Just when I think you can’t top yourself – you do!
That was a fun and effective tutorial! Good job.
Okay, your problem is there are no 11,000 ft mountains to help you navigate where you are. Plus, I don’t know if where you live is set out on a grid like SL, but I have found the grid profoundly useful in finding everything from my own house to Redwood Rd. When the military man and I were in South Carolina for two months years ago, I struggled with navigation. My frustration mainly came from there was no ‘high point’ anywhere in the city to get up on and survey the surrounding area. I just kept feeling like if I could look down on the town I could figure it out. But no, the high point in Columbia South Carolina is a small hill, if it is even high enough to be called a hill, that crested a whole 10 feet above the river that runs through the city. Not much help. Good luck with not getting lost!! PS Get On-Star, I’ve found it very helpful to have someone actually tell me over the phone that I’m heading the wrong way instead of just thinking it.
You. are. really. funny.
That was hilarious. Somehow you and Natalie received the same map reading genes.
Hey Tiff I took a look at the map I drew and I think I found an easier route. I’ll get that to you soon! Funny girl!
Ok, I was thinking that this was going to be one of those really cool, magic-trick kind of things so I was REALLY engaged in the interactivity of the whole thing. So according to my map and your path, you went WAY farther than 126 miles, and you got in approximately 78 car accidents, and in 3 of those accidents, you were traveling over 176 mph.
another reason why we should be cyber bff’s 4EVER. i grew up in small town utah, so i never really learned to tell directions. i’d just ask who’s house the destination was by, or which store, or by who used to have a cousin that lived there or identify it by the ugly siding or the mean dog in front. it drives my man crazy. CRAZY.
i’m glad that you found the restroom and salt and pepper. but did you call it “salt and PEPPAHHHH” ??
first of all, thank you for saving me about seven hundred dollars on a wii!
secondly, i *heart* you!
third, did your gps say “recalculating” at least 276 times?!? because you weren’t really lost unless it did.
I can totally relate! What is it with GPS systems? My problem is that I didn’t recieve the sense of direction gene. In fact it is something that my husband teases me constantly with and I have huge mountains to navigate with!
I have had a few interesting experiences with the GPS also. I lent it once to Leslie’s friend and her daughter from Ohio when they came out for conference. I gave it to her with very few instruction and sent her on her way thinking it was so simple she couldn’t get lost now. About an hour later she called and asked if the conference center was in Provo. When I assured her that it wasn’t she said it was OK because they wanted to see somethings in Provo any way. It was determined that the GPS had lost it’s orientation and had to be reset. It only took her about a hundred miles out of her way.
Dad C
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who pays no attention to where we are going and always lets Matt drive! Mind you, I CAN find places, and I NEVER consider myself lost (I always – usually – know where I came from and could go back that way if I absolutely HAD to) But driving with anyone else (besides my kids) in the car or following me pretty much gives me a panic attack! – Even just going two blocks, I second guess myself – is it better to go South and then West, or should I go West and then South…and don’t even get me started on the GPS – I’ve had the same experience having it take me off the main street and through a winding series of side streets, just to put me back on the main street two blocks from where it had me turn off…weird! But the good news is your eyebrows look GREAT!
This just might be one of my favorite blog posts of all time. You are just so damn hilarious! I can’t stand it.