the would-be writers guild

I make AMAZING punch. There, I said it.

I’m the Punch Master. Queen of Punch. Snoop Punch. David Punchuleta. I bet you didn’t know this about me, but I seriously rock the punch bowl like no other.

I invented one very special recipe that I’m about to share with you. And I have to tell you—you’re really lucky because all you have to do is read the recipe, buy the stuff, put it together, and serve it at a party and have everyone tell you that it is the best punch in the universe.

Whereas I had to create, puzzle, reflect, and ponder the recipe in the first place in my special Punch Laboratory. I had to contact chemists from ivy league universities to perfect the chemical makeup of this recipe. I had to search the globe for the exact ingredients. I had to throw out hundreds of thousands of batches of lesser punches on my quest to attain the ideal ice-to-punch ratio.

But now that I’ve arrived at Punch Perfectdom, it’s hard for me to contain it and keep it to myself. I feel that I owe it to the world to share. You all have been so nice to me lately, and I feel so intoxicated with goodwill, that I am ready to freely give you this recipe for the betterment of mankind. If the war suddenly ends, I will know that The Punch has done its job.

OK, are you ready?

The Punch

Ingredients:
1 can frozen pina colada concentrate, thawed (Bacardi makes a good one)
1 can frozen orange pineapple juice concentrate, thawed
4 liters of diet lemon-lime soda (That’s two 2-Liters for the mathematically challenged.)
1 bag of pebble ice (You can buy it at Sonic Drive-In or at most grocery stores in the deli or meat departments.)
1 bag of frozen raspberries

And now for the directions:
*Pour the thawed concentrates into your punchbowl and stir.
*Use one of the empty cans and fill it with water four times and add it to the mixture. Stir.
*Add your diet soda to the mixture. (You can use regular sugar-filled soda if you want, but I think it gets too sweet and you will also feel guilty when you fill your glass for the sixteenth time. Which you WILL.)
*Next, add about half your bag of pebble ice.
(NOTE: Please do not insult The Punch by using crappy ice cubes from your freezer. The Punch will hate you forever.) (ANOTHER NOTE: Please do not screw up the order and add the ice before the soda. You will get an ugly foam at the top of your punch bowl.) (ONE MORE NOTE: I’m sorry if it seems like I’m micro-managing this recipe. It’s just that I have already suffered bad punch experiences so that you won’t have to. I micro-manage because I care.) Let’s see….where were we? Oh, yes. We’re ready for the crowning ingredient…
*Add your frozen raspberries to the top.

Viola! You have just created the Mona Lisa of Punch!

Your punch should be a lovely dark yellow at the bottom of your punch bowl, light lemony yellow in middle, almost white on the top, and then bright magenta on the very, very top! So pretty!

And then, when you start serving the punch with a ladle, it all mixes together and becomes this dreamy pink color.

And then, when you lift the punch bowl to your lips when it is almost gone to swallow the last few drops of punch, it is an even darker pink because the raspberries have really mixed in.

And then, when you pass out on the floor because you tipped the punch bowl too far and lost your balance, falling backward to the floor with the punch bowl hitting you square in the jaw—you will see lots of lovely yellow stars and magenta raspberries floating above your head.

Go now. Make Punch.