I was treated to lunch Wednesday by two good friends, Tonja and Deborah, that I have known from separate realms of my life, but who found each other (through a different realm, by the way) and realized later that they both knew me. I love it when the world is small like that. I never get over the thrill of discovering that there are little connections among us, binding us to each other.
The best part of lunch was when Deborah invited me to her wedding which took place just about eight years ago. She pulled a white envelope out of her purse and handed it to me. On it was an old, old address of mine (we weren’t living there at the time) and a yellow postal sticker requesting a return to sender. In the rush of pre-wedding madness, she hadn’t been able to track down an updated address for me and therefore I never received an invitation to her wedding.
I remember hearing about her wedding and thinking it was strange that I never got an invitation, but I didn’t dwell. Deborah is not the sort to slight anyone. No harm done in my book.
But Deborah felt bad. So bad, in fact, that she kept the invitation for EIGHT YEARS! When we finally got in touch again several months ago, she confessed this wedding invitation gaffe and apologized. Then on Wednesday, she made final amends by handing me the envelope, which was in amazingly good shape.
“I just felt so bad for so long,” she said.
I assured her that I never did and never will harbor bad feelings about it, and that this was nothing in comparison to the terrible thing I had done in relation to my wedding—I never sent out thank you cards for my gifts. That’s right. I never sent them out. In fact, I never wrote them. OK, I wrote some of them, but only a very small percentage.
I confessed this to Deborah, Tonja, and the chips and salsa at our table. They both laughed (Tonja and Deborah, that is; the chips and salsa were speechless) and Tonja surprised me by saying, “Neither did I!”
Wha, wha, wha???
Tonja is one of the most thorough, efficient, organized, responsible, and kind-hearted people I know. (And that is saying something, because I happen to know a lot of thorough, efficient, organized, responsible, kind-hearted people.)
I instantly felt better. I was in good company at least in my regretful wallow. I tried to explain to them about how overwhelming the process had seemed to me. People had been so generous at our wedding and there were so many of them! When I started writing, I filled each card’s inside and backside with my gratitude, and before long I was exhausted and overwhelmed to the point that it halted me completely. I knew that most people’s thank you cards said something like, “Dear [So-and-so], Thank you for the [item/money]. We love it. Love, [bride and groom]” but I couldn’t bring myself to do it that way. It seemed so flat and insincere, so instead I sent no acknowledgment of their kindness whatsoever. Brilliant.
Tonja agreed, but she didn’t seem to be nearly as haunted by this as I am.
“Really,” she said, “do you ever think about the thank you cards you get? Or don’t get?”
“Good point,” I said.
“It’s not like anything is going to happen if you don’t send them out,” she said.
“Except that we are going burn in hell for eternity,” I said.
Right, except for that. We laughed and talked and ate and assured each other that we were still good people regardless of these silly blunders from our past. In fact, the more I think about it, I doubt anybody is checking their mailbox today to see if I am finally going to thank them for that cheese grater.
But, just in case any of you out there attended my wedding, I have a few things to say:
Dear friend,
Thank you for attending my wedding and for giving such a considerate gift. I was overwhelmed with your generosity and thoughtfulness. Thank you for joining with my other friends and family to give me and Ryan such a wonderful start to our new life together. And please forgive this message for being approximately eleven-and-a-half years late.
Love, Tiffany
Wow. I feel a little better, as if the flames of hell just got turned down to “Mild Burn” from “Flesh-Eating Scorch.” Lunch with friends can be so therapeutic. My thanks to Tonja and Deb!
Now, while we’re at it, let’s hear what dumb, regretful things you’ve done. Misery loves company.
No comment on the thank you note thing – I’m terrible at that stuff.
Lately I’m bad at just sending the wedding gift. I’m about 3 or 4 weddings behind at this point. And for one of them, the sweet new bride (I am friends with the groom) sent me a thank you note just for attending the wedding! Before I even sent a gift! I was a bit mortified, but obviously not enough to send a gift. Now I feel such pressure to send something amazing and worth the wait I’m a bit paralyzed.
Ugh, now I know what I need to accomplish this weekend: 3 thoughtful, meaningful wedding gifts. Oh, and two birthday gifts for the two birthday parties I’m going to this weekend.
I didn’t send my Thank You’s either. I worked on them. Got overwhelmed. Created a generic thank you. Printed it. Pasted it in many, many thank you cards. Then moved before they got addressed and sent. Oh well.
Really, all of the family and friends that Tiff and I share, we truly are grateful. And, when your kids are getting married, I don’t expect a Thank You note.
I remember coming to your reception with my mom and I’m pretty sure we gave you something really expensive and lavish. You’re welcome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBwYaRVHnh0
Hmmm maybe you need to think about your notes.
I sent mine, but only with my husband’s help. He’d write the funniest things. “Thank you for your gift. I’m not sure what it is or how to use it, but I look forward to having it in our home.” Seriously.
The laughs while we filled them all out was worth it.
love it!!! what a fun post. isn’t it funny the things that bother us through the years? so glad you guys had the chance to air all your dirty laundry…
Hmm, regretful things…
seeing as my life is basically one hugemungous embarassing moment, its so hard to come up with just one. perhaps the time I took my then boyfriend’s picture, without looking, of him changing into his swim suit, only to develop a playgirl centerfold picture, blush, blush, that his mother found in his underwear drawer while she was putting away his laundry! HELLO!
Hey, I’ve been married for eleven and a half years too! Congratulations! I did send out my thank you notes though. My mom made me do it.
However, if I have done many other stupid things. One thing that I did that I have wasted many a minute regretting and thinking about is this…
Several years ago, I worked in Australia for almost three months. While there, we (my husband came along for the ride) attended a local ward. We met some missionaries from the states, one of which had his family move into my stake (where I grew up) while he was gone. I told him I would call his parents when we got back to let them know how he was doing. I did this, but I was stupid and talked about how we wanted to set him up with my little sister when he got home and other stupid stuff, none of which I’m sure his mom wanted to hear. She probably hung up the phone and wondered what on earth possessed me to make that call and say such stupid things.
It has haunted me ever since. I hope your misery enjoys mine.
Because of this gigantic social gaffe on your part, I have had to re-think what I give to people on special occasions. Because I never received a thank you note from you and your birthday twin, I’ve been damaged beyond recall. I think your failure to acknowledge my well-thought, meaningful, very expensive and tastefully wrapped gift was timed to coincide with my mother-in-law accusing me, in an off-handed way, of theft by deception. I was always quite stable before I met you and my mother-in-law. I have never felt quite the same about wedding receptions since my mother-in-law showed up at mine, and you and Dr. B failed to lavish praise and accolades for the marvelous gift I gave you at the commencement of your nuptial bliss. Think about the mental anguish that abounds in my life because you didn’t want to conform to socially required customs…..Oh the Hurt..P.S. How was dinner at Butchers?
Wow, that lunch WAS cathartic, wasn’t it? If we keep going, maybe I can get over all my other issues, too (HA!). We really are harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be . . . .
It was so fun to see you again, Tiff!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve done so many regretful things that I could write an entire years worth of blog posts about them.
Don’t feel bad. No one even remembers stuff like that.
And P.S. I get married one week from Thursday. (EEEK!) So I will try to get my thank you notes out in a timely manner so as to avoid 11.5 years worth of regret.
what fun friends, and im glad you got to rid yourselves of so much guilt together. thats what good friends are for!