the would-be writers guild

I saw this post on stickyfeathers and loved it.

Here’s a post all about my first born’s trip here to planet earth.

1. Were you married at the time?
Yes.

2. What were your reactions?
Before he was born, I was all, “Yay! Pass the nachos!” After he was born, I was all, “Holy crap, what have I done?”

3. How old were you?
I was twenty-one, which seemed a LOT older at the time.

4. How did you find out you were pregnant?
Missed period and pregnancy test.

5. Who did you tell first?
Ryan

6. Did you want to find out the sex?
I did. Ryan didn’t. We didn’t find out, even though I KNEW it was a boy the entire time. (Of course, I had a 50/50 shot at being right, but I had a hunch.) Ryan had a dream at one point that we were at the doctor’s office for an appointment and his mom was with us (which seemed perfectly normal in Dream World). The doctor reached in, pulled the baby out to check it (which seemed perfectly normal in Dream World) while we closed our eyes since we didn’t want to know the gender. Right before he stuck the baby back in, Ryan’s mom peeked and blurted out that it was a boy. Ryan was really mad at her when he woke up.

7. Did you deliver early or late?
I think it was exactly one day before my due date.

8. Did you have morning sickness?
I had some, but not a ton. I remember throwing up Ovaltine one morning. Mmmm.

9. What did you crave?
Nothing specific that I recall. Judging from the amount of weight I gained, I craved Crisco with butter and heavy cream.

10. Who irritated you the most?
My fictional brother Lyle. Actually, I take that back. I don’t think I was a moody gestator.

11. What was your first child’s sex?
My first child has not had sex yet!

12. How many pounds did you gain throughout the pregnancy?
183 pounds, or so it seemed. I gained a lot of weight because I had not been in the habit of ever monitoring calories or fat. As soon as I was pregnant, my pre-pregnancy metabolism packed its bags and moved to Miami for retirement. One month I gained 11 pounds, when I probably should have gained one. I had no idea that I was so far off the mark until I was weighed at my regular appointment. Ryan was sitting next to me as I received the bad news. We sat in silence for a minute and then Ryan said, “I bet your shoes weigh at least a couple pounds.” I will never forget that moment of sweet, tender encouragement.

13. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy?
Yes, I got a kidney stone at 7 months along, which put me into early, painful labor. I would much rather give birth to a dozen babies than have another kidney stone. They offer epidurals with babies.

14. Where did you give birth?
Cottonwood Hospital

15. How many hours were you in labor?
I checked in around eight in the morning, and was induced within a half hour. A couple hours later, I began feeling mild pains and promptly asked for my epidural. A short while later, the doctor gave me the control to add more epidural juice should I need it. Having never given birth, and feeling very afraid of any pain like unto the kidney stone pain, I treated myself to a LOT of epidural juice. At one point, I wasn’t progressing and the nurse checked me and said my bladder was full. I offered to get up and go to the bathroom and she laughed at me. My brain sent the message to my legs to move and my legs sent back the following reply: “Yeah….riiiiiiiiight.” They drained my bladder in front of my small audience; I vowed to someday regain my dignity; and Christian was born during the six o’clock news. Seriously, the TV was on right up until the big moment.

16. Who drove you to the hospital?
Ryan

17. Who watched?
Ryan, our moms, my dad, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. I was very overwhelmed with the amount of people there.

18. Was it natural or c-section?
Natural with a generous side of epidural.

19. Did you take medicine to ease the pain?
I probably could have attended rehab after that epidural.

20. How much did your child weigh?
Eight pounds, seven ounces. I think.

21. Did your child have any complications?
He was quite blue when he was born, having had his neck wrapped tightly in the umbilical cord. He didn’t breathe/cry right away, and his APGAR (is that right?) score was pretty low. However, he bounced right back and was asking for food and a Playstation 2 within minutes.

22. What did you name him/her?
Christian Sidney. We both loved the name Christian, and Sidney is Ryan’s dad’s name.

23. How old is your first born today?
NINE. Seriously? Nine? Yes, NINE.

So, do you feel like you just watched an episode of TLC’s A Baby Story?

OK, now it’s your turn. Tell me about your first born, and if you don’t have one, tell me about your own birth. Do you know your story? You should. Here’s part of mine: I was born at home. On purpose. Wait, that’s enough about me, let’s hear about you.