Don’t ask how many trees had to die so that Ryan could send out these job applications.
As with e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. part of his graduate education, the preparation of the job application is yet another monumental task. Last night, we worked together to address, prepare cover letters, collate, staple, and stuff thirty-four envelopes. The mood was tense. We started this task after dinner, so it was late and we both had a zillion other things that needed to get done. At one point Ryan asked me to hook the printer up to the laptop before I left to make more copies for him. He tried to say that he didn’t know how to hook it up. Honestly, I just stared at him as if his next request was going to be assistance with blinking. Then I realized that on Life’s Frazzle Meter, he was half-past totally screwed. I rolled my eyes and hooked up the two very complicated cables to the printer. One of them was the power cord.
The tension relieved a little when I was looking over his shoulder at one of the cover letters and read that he would be honored to receive a position in the Department of Human Psychology. I asked him if that was opposed to Canine Psychology or perhaps Cupcake Psychology. He laughed at the mistake and for the rest of the evening we stopped thinking of ways to accidentally strangle each other. See what a little humor can do?
This is how he looked when we were finally done.
And here he is holding his top two picks. I sprayed them with perfume before he mailed them today. (Isn’t he adorable when he’s on the verge of a complete neurological meltdown?)
This morning I remembered how over the years Ryan and I have laughed ourselves silly on the subject of job applications. (What, you don’t do that?) We’ve always thought it would be funny to fill out applications with totally bizarre and inappropriate information. Here are a few examples:
Have you ever been convicted of a felony? No, I have only been convicted of a murder.
How did you hear about this position? I saw it on a flyer at my anger management meeting.
Reason for leaving last job: I bludgeoned my supervisor.
List three of your strengths: I can tell the difference between aliens and humans; I can pick almost any lock, and I am totally on to the government and their plans to destroy us. I CAN OFFER YOU PROTECTION!
List three of your weaknesses: I have a problem managing my rage; I suffer from paranoia, and I cannot be trusted with money or assets.
Honestly, this little game can go on for hours. Wanna play? Tell me something horrible to put on a job application.
My junior year of high school my best friend who enjoys filling out forms because she has tiny and neat hand writing filled out some Hillcrest emergency contact form for me that indicated under medical conditions that I was suffering from severe senioritis. I was never questioned about this so apparently they never read the medical conditions on those forms.
I can’t help but notice that one of the top choices is Lawrence, Kansas– I used to live there and it’s awesome! A great place to raise a family, I think. Good Luck!
The man in the photo still bears a striking resemblance to Ted Bundy…or is it Mark Hacking. Hve you actually seen any diplomsa?
DO YOU DEAL WELL WITH OTHERS? Not when I am trying to potty train them. I find myself totally insane when they won’t go and then they do, only outside, and all within three minutes of your last atempt.
I also noticed the location of the top two. Interesting…Kansas and…Boston. Both so different, but good choices. Either way, we’re already making plans to visit.
I love the first picture with all of the envelopes staked up. What at awesome photo. I love to read your blogs… they crack me up. What a crazy experience applying all over the Country… it is like rolling the dice to see where you will land. GOOD LUCK!!!
Why should we hire you?: Because I don’t take rejection well, and I know where you live.
After about 2 hours sleep last night, and missing the chance to say good-bye to a dear friend who left earlier than our early morning walk by his house and will be gone for a very long time, this is the first time I’ve smiled. Thanks, Tiff and especially Ryan. I understand about the cord thing.
References: Bill Gates (621) 343-2111, Britney Spears (424) 225-8989, Satan (800) 555-HELL
Here’s a real life one. My boss was interviewing for a nanny position. The girl said she wanted to be on salary because she didn’t really want to work that much. She just wanted a guaranteed amount of money.
I just got the subject line. That’s pretty funny.
President Nixon signed a bill that removed funding for the program I was teaching under. No teaching jobs available Sept 1, 1975 in Boise, Idaho.
h.o.l.y.c.r.a.p. to that stack of applications.