the would-be writers guild

Good afternoon, everybody, and thanks for attending. I’d like to recognize Max for providing our refreshments this afternoon. The HoneyComb-Doritos Snack Mix is really hitting the spot for me. We’ve only got a few items to cover, so I’ll get right to it and maybe we can take off a little early today.

First of all, if you are not already aware, our newest associate Lucy has been upgraded to Level Two security clearance here at the office. We have moved her out of her temporary cubicle in the great room and she now has access to most areas of the main floor. However, it is still up to you to keep the doors closed until she can be trusted with Level Three clearance. Until then, your toys, books and underwear are not safe with her, so let’s keep them secure. Be patient with her; you all remember what it was like to be a Level One and Two employee. It will take all of our support to get her graduated to full clearance. Remember: a happy workplace is a safe workplace.

Next on our agenda, I’m going to take a moment to address some of the items found in the company suggestion/comment box. I am always happy to address any of your concerns, and I appreciate you taking time to share the following anonymous thoughts and ideas for improvement:

Question: What is the deal with all of the feta cheese lately in the cafeteria? Feta cheese smells like your shoes.

Answer: While I don’t appreciate the hostility I felt in the second part of this message, I would like to address the issue of menu planning in the cafeteria. Most of you have been with our company from the very beginning of your career, so you don’t have anything to compare this to. Let me tell you what it’s like elsewhere—most places don’t even have an on-site cafeteria. If they do, their menu options are usually limited peanut butter and ground horse meat. I’d like you to give our cook a little bit of slack. She is a poor, frazzled woman. True, she hasn’t had an original menu idea since late 1999, but she seems to be trying. So she likes feta cheese; you could have it worse. I’ll try to talk to her about incorporating some more employee-friendly menus, but I’d also like to see a little more effort on your part. Try not to look like you’ve been stabbed with a plastic spork when you get your tray. It will help everyone.

Question: When will beegeega be offered in our 401K plan?

Answer: Very funny.

Question: Kan we go too targit?

Answer: No. Stop asking. OK, maybe later. But not now.

Question: What is your position on late-night drinking?

Answer: Ah, excellent question! (It’s almost one I could have written myself.) While I really don’t have any say about what you do when you’re off the clock, I’d like to remind you that some activities you engage in during your off hours can affect your daily job performance. One employee—and I’m not naming any names here—has been seen drinking in the break room late into the night. While it’s true that you are welcome to the milk and beverages in the break room fridge, I think you need to assess yourself. If late-night drinking causes you to wake up in the morning covered in your own urine, and the janitorial crew has to be called up to manage the spill, then your decision becomes one that involves much more than just you. I want you to enjoy your time off, and if that means an extra glass of 2% milk, I think that’s fine. Just know your limits and drink responsibly. Please talk to HR if you’re having trouble managing this on your own.

Question: Woof woof hoooowwwl?

Answer: No. Absolutely not. I’m still upset about the carpet.

Alright, that’s all we have time for. Thanks again for your participation and you’re welcome to take the rest of the afternoon off.