the would-be writers guild

Next time you go out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, don’t expect the “Thai dishes” at the Chinese restaurant to taste anything like Thai dishes at Thai restaurants.  The Chinese, apparently, hate the Thais and the fact that you ordered Thai food instead of Chinese food infuriates them.  They will punish you for your order by presenting you with their version of a traditional curry dish which looks alarmingly like diarrhea:

And if you make this wretched mistake, try not to have Ryan with you, because he will not be able to stop describing the chunky texture of the sauce and the unfortunate way that it has been served in a white, porcelain dish.  And whatever you do, make sure that Ryan’s brother, Val, is not dining with you because you know that the two of them together will not be able to stop talking about how it would be so funny to come walking out of the restrooms with some of it dripping down your leg.

I would also recommend not eating any of it, because even though it isn’t the most horrible thing you’ve ever tasted, you will still find yourself desperately trying to stabilize the little gag reflex in the back of your throat when your would-be comedian husband and brother-in-law (while crying tears of laughter) do this:

You may also want to think about investing in a taser gun or something that can be used to threaten them as you beg for mercy two hours later to please, in the best interest of the car’s upholstery, stop talking about the diarrhea chicken because you are really going to throw up.

Then later, maybe even two days later, when you have recovered, you should return the favor to Ryan by sending him a simple message: Remember the boneless Teriyaki wings of last January?  I said BONELESS TERIYAKI WINGS.  Do you remember them?  The BONELESS TERIYAKI WINGS that partially defrosted and then refroze before you cooked and ate them?  Yes, those BONELESS TERIYAKI WINGS.  I bet you can still taste them, can’t you? 

Always remember: two can play this game.